counting
And i’m counting one, two, three,
Hearing thoughts, my sanity,
Slipping slowly,
Leaving me,
Flee…
Questions lingering,
Without voice, screaming,
Silent cry, wondering why,
Wanted to fly,
Goodbye…
Counting again up to three,
Maybe it’s just a dream,
Maybe it is me,
Maybe a whim,
Maybe…
tanda tanya
Lihat mereka,
Alangkah bagusnya…
Kau harus begini,
Manual hidupmu ini…
Mengapa?
Mengapa harus menjatuhkan?
Berkata terus sedemikian,
Mana perginya apresiasi?
Matikah ditelan provokasi?
Semua seperti kosong,
Tiada makna, tiada erti,
‘Ini cuma pendorong!’,
Lantang, justifikasi…
Apa?
Apa lagi yang dimahu?
Bingung, hanya buntu…
‘Ini pembakar semangat!’,
Terus dijaja, diangkat,
Mereka bagus, mereka hebat…
Kenapa mesti mereka?
Apa semua tiada nilainya?
Terus tertanya…
Terus bertanya…
Sampai bila?
what of tomorrow??
Tomorrow…that scares me…to be frank it has been quite a journey on getting to know myself this past month…pretty much i can’t sleep…thinking on things…trying to figure out well, few things…i don’t even know what to do about myself or how things should be done…in fact i don’t even know what i really want…and tomorrow…again that scares me…
what would it be for tomorrow??would there be any tomorrow??is something gonna change??is anything ever come by??would i be there to see it??would i be happy??is it something to look forward to??or is it gonna be bad??would it be just another nightmare to go through??is it gonna be raining??then comes the rainbow??or would it be a bright clear sky birds flying high chirping happily without worries and you just feel the vibe??
pretty much concluded of my unfinished over thinking on my so called life…that is if i have one…it’s hard when you tend to overthink things which i can say my very best quality in getting people annoyed…yeah i tend to do that a lot…but let’s just stay shut on that one…
no i’m not trying to be in the pity case or whatsoever…i hate that…yeah things haven’t been working out really well…it’s just i need to say things out so what else can i do??blog out of it…mostly because i’m terrible when it comes to communicating with people…and it’ll be all nonsense and annoying crap…so i choose to write…may be it will help…maybe…i don’t know…at least i write what is on my mind and perhaps what i am feeling…yeah i can’t sleep and again thinking on tomorrow…so write it down then!!or type it down i think…
basically it’s somewhat hard when you still trying to figure out things…especially when you can’t figure out what you really want…there’s not a day passed that i wasted on thinking how i would turn out to be…it’s true i have plan…plans…but i learn the hard way on not to plan…well you see you have the tendency to hope and expect too much out of it…when it is somewhat crashes into pieces it’s hard to pick it up…cause you already have the hope and expect it will turn out as planned…
people say do things that make you happy…seriously trying to do things that make you happy would be the most difficult thing…i don’t even know what makes me happy anymore…that’s the thing people have failed to tell…the variables that influence on so called things that make you happy…you have family, friends, financial, or peers, or perhaps politics, economy and yada yada…these things sure influence on your happiness…really influence it…and then you have to think on the consequences…consequences on how these variables will alter you, achieving happiness…so much on quotes and words to live by…worthless enough if you can’t make a sense out of it…
cliche…the part where i’m all trying to figure things out, trying to explore, trying to discover on stuffs…but i can’t seemed to grasp on the long term part…that’s what i said about tomorrow…what would be of it??it gives me chill just to think on it…i can’t help but to agree on people say don’t dwell on future and the past…that’s the worst case scenario of an overthinker…and there yours truly, me…it sucks though…but i can’t help it…i would always think on things when i am all by myself…and all these while i have been around plenty with well you can say bitchy me, egoistic me, emo me, happy me, the awesome me, annoying me…mostly me, me and me…so what else can i do with me??think…and then think…thiiiinkkkk…even i bore myself to death…well the bitchy me of course…died from the countless overthinking…well the tendency is he would just snapped all over because of the boredom but mostly…dead…so pretty much those MEs are struggling in facing me…is that even making sense??this is the dumbblonde me typing…okayyy moving on…shuuushhh
so what i’m trying to imply here is that it has been quite a battle on me with all those things…i don’t know if i’m gonna win it or even if i’m gonna lose it…still it is a long journey…and that’s quite a civil war i have here…so not sure which side gonna dropped the bomb or even go for genocide on those too much me, maybe one side will go all hitler on the other or final destination-ing everything…who knows…i guess let’s just go down the battlefield and figure it out…i supposed…that’s what i should do…mayyy be…here we go thinking on too much again…
those reflect thingy
ok so how many times people told you don’t act like this don’t act like that??don’t say this don’t say that??and at the end they will say it will give a bad image to your family…poor judgement on your parents…it will reflects badly on your school…it gives bad impression on how you were brought up…because people will think you get those don’ts through family, parents, school blablabla…did you ever get these??you don’t??well get a life…haha…ok kidding…
those things they said at some point it makes sense…but i’m gonna say bullshit…people always talk about these stuffs about REFLECTION…it’s like what you do will reflect at least something in your life…argue with me but i do think this is bullshit…you are not representing or just reflection of things in your life…you are YOU…when children act like pain in the ass we always reflect it back to parents…we say things like,’who’s this kid parents??didn’t they teach this kid enough??’…common things…i mean at some point it kinda somewhat so-called REFLECTING the parents…we were like doctrinated to kinda justify things when it somehow went wrong, out of norm, not the usual stuffs, not the belief of majority not the yada yada yada…
so those who were saying YES IT REFLECTS…ok i’m giving you this…two planes crashed WTC on 9/11 which happened to be claimed as Muslim terrorist…so,if YES TO RELFECTS, it is safely to say the Muslim terrorist REFLECTS Muslim right??means they learn/get what they were doing through Islam right??or you say no??well i leave it up to you then…and you know Islamophobia existed cause of this…so what say you??the second one i’m giving you is about a student failing and getting low grades…can we blame like the teacher??or the education??we MAY say they contributed portion of it…but we can’t say the teacher and the education ARE TO BE BLAMED…my point is lots of things should be considered…well first consider THE ONE THAT DID IT…the terrorist and the student itself…don’t you think??
above all things i mean, i blame the society…cause we are all too fucked up always trying to point out somewhere, someone, something…we can’t help it…cause we were programmed…but still we are just too fucked up…and there i blamed the society (yeah you see i was programmed too…i’m living in THE society…duh so of course i pointed to something)…so that’s it…these reflect thingy is just bullshit…i’m trying my best not reflect things and so should you…
sometimes
sometimes it doesn’t make sense,
how life can be insane,
with all the pressure, with all the tense,
we just wish for it to end…
sometimes, sometimes, sometimes,
we keep wondering too many times,
for the dreams, for the dimes,
not knowing, it’s just a mime…
without a voice, not even a sound,
with nothing to stand us on,
acting like a moron,
can’t realise what’s going on…
sometimes we need to find,
find that voice leading our mind,
to that one of a kind,
that little hope along the line…
life is hard to cope,
cause there’s way many slope,
but that little hope,
will tell us not to stop…
find that hope…that’s what life are for… 😀
the expectations~
i can feel that things changing…but i’m not sure that changes bring a better something or a bitter something…better or bitter…let me get back to that later…cause i don’t even know…sometimes i do have goosebumps on this life…but yeah that’s life…things are unexpected…one thing that my dad said snap me up…he was saying about expectations…and yes all this time i was living up for the expectations…i have to say achieving that expectations is what u call satisfaction…but sometimes things can be pretty messy…that’s when they said over-expecting…expectations can be way pain in the ass…i know everyone will be expected to be able to achieve something…it’s like that’s what the purpose of living…expectations were just like a nicer version of ‘u must do this and do that’…i think it was because of u won’t feel that much pressure right…well, when u say things like MUST there’s some power of that word…so it will sounded force…it made things mandatory…and the pressure hits…but when the word EXPECT used it seems nicer…well,simply to put MUST put a direct in-ur-face pressure but not with EXPECT…so,i guess that’s why all these expectations came in huh…
i know we have to live in that expectations…there won’t be motives if there’s no expectations…but it’s just…expectations can be a burden…cause u were expecting something but then when it comes to result that turn out not that good…well what do u feel??and that’s how someone will feel when the expectations is turned down…hard isnt it??u try way too hard but then the expectations made it looked useless…sometimes people just look at the end without looking at what happen in between…that is what expectations all about…it seems like the end is only matter…
well that’s just me thinking on how expectations can be…emo u might think…haha…but i think something, sometimes way too hard…and that’s up there u got…tonnes of it if i wanted to write it…but lemme just simply stated that…pain in the ass it would be i assume if i just wrote what i’ve been thinking…haha…expectations there u have…how suck it is let’s just let it be…life is too short to think bout how troublesome it can be…well,life’s a brief fucking candle right??burn that fucking candle to ur best!!
oh Germany WON!!!yeaahhh~ nice goal…oh (again) Ghana u guys played really well i must say…maybe luck was on the Germany side this time…
lastly just want to say EXPECTATIONS KILL!!haha
it should be~
guess gonna be a bit emo…haha…
i’ve been wondering lately…
do things at this time is the right thing for me??
that’s what bothering me a lot…
i know i should appreciate things at present…
but that question totally hit me in the face…
cause right now it doesnt seem right…and it doesnt even make sense…
yes i have dreams…
i pushed it away long time ago…
but now it’s haunting…
only now i know how bad i want those dreams…
i keep on thinking of moving on…
cause it seems promising…
but now, i dont have the passion to pull this through…
it’s confusing…
what if i choose that path instead of this one??
what if i take those not these…
what if…
what if~~
*sigh*
escaping reality 